If you've come here looking for graphic pictures of bound, helpless men or women, you've come to the wrong place.

First, what is the symbol at the top of the page, and what does it mean?  This is the BDSM Emblem, and it has many meanings tied up in its forms.  The three sections represent the three parts of BDSM - Bondage/disciplne (B/d), Domination/submission (D/s), and Sadism/masochism (S/m).  The lines are curved because the three areas often overlap in a relationship, also represented by the "holes" in each section.  The three parts also represent the BDSM Creed - "Safe," "Sane," and "Consensual."  Additionally, they represent the three segments of the lifestyle - Tops (Dominants), bottoms (submissives), and switches (those who play both roles).  The BDSM Emblem was created by Steve Quagmyre.  You can learn more about it from his site.

What is BDSM, really?  I have to admit, I came to the lifestyle with a lot of preconceived notions, all of which were wrong.  I'd been curious about what these "kinky" people did, and wondered how someone could possibly enjoy being tied up, tortured, and treated as property.  I was way too independent to even consider the possibility of myself as someone running around on all fours and barking like a dog (and I still am, by the way).  Let me tell you something, you can't learn about BDSM from adult story boards!  If you want to know how I finally entered the BDSM scene, check

My Introduction to the Lifestyle

As mentioned above, there are three parts to the BDSM lifestyle, and not everyone involved in BDSM is involved in all three parts.  The first part is Bondage/discipline.  I am often reminded of a quote from Blowfish's Online Magazine/Catalog - "Sometimes it's nice to get tied up and just be done."  That's what bondage is, being restrained.  Restraints can be as simple as having your wrists held in your partner's hands to being chained into a position you can't escape from (or usually even move in).  Discipline and punishment are two different things.  Discipline is a behavior, punishment is what results when discipline is broken.  Ask the military - being told to stand at rigid attention and doing so, no matter what happens, is discipline.  Discipline in a B/d relationship can be as simple as being told not to remove a wrist cuff until you have permission to do so.

TRUST, TRUST, TRUST!  I can't emphasize the need for trust in any part of BDSM as strongly as it needs to be known.

If you are a bottom, you absolutely have to trust your partner beyond a shadow of a doubt because you will be helpless.  You will be at his or her mercy.  You have to know in the bottom of your soul that they will not cause you harm (hurt is one thing, harm is another - harm is lasting physical injury or discomfort, hurt ends).  Some people just like to be tied up during love-making, nothing more.  So be it, it's a wonderful thing.  You suddenly don't have to worry about what to do with your hands, where you should touch, how you should have your legs, etc.  You get to lay back, relax, and just enjoy what's being done to you and for you.  It's a lovely experience, and powerful in a submissive way (you get to be worshipped, in a sense, and don't have to feel guilty).  It's almost selfish to be bound and made love to - absolutely fantastic.

As a Top, you have to be able to trust your bottom implicitly.  You have to know that your partner would tell you if he or she was uncomfortable (comfort is very important in bondage because a bottom is often in whatever position for long periods of time) or not enjoying what was happening.  The very first rule my beloved Master/Husband gave me when our relationship began was, "If you are not enjoying something I am doing to you, you will tell me.  Your enjoyment is my responsibility, and your honesty with me is yours.  Your happiness comes first."  A Top has to be willing to accept the complete and utter trust of the bottom, and to be worthy of it.  This person - and it is important to remember that your partner is a person, worthy of respect and care - trusts you enough to put his or her well-being completely into your hands.  It is an awesome responsibility, almost overwhelming.  For the period of time in which your bottom is bound, you have complete control over her.  Her life is in your hands, as is her freedom.  She trusts you to release her, eventually, without causing her harm in the meantime.  She believes in you.  Is there anything more powerful than her absolute surrender?

Domination/submission.  D/s is at the heart of any BDSM relationship.  One person is Dom(Top), the other sub(bottom).  These relationships can often be dynamic and changing (switches - sometimes both partners like to be tied up and "done" on occasion).  It is more than this, though.  It is a matter of respect.  In any relationship known to man, one person loves more than the other, one is stronger than the other (physically, emotionally, or mentally), one more willing to sacrifice.

I am, by nature, a submissive.  My Husband is, by nature, a Dominant.  However, I have never been forced to do anything against my will.  He has never pressured me to do anything I did not want to do.  What I do, I do for love of him.  We respect each other as people, as marriage partners, and as play partners.  He doesn't make me do anything.  No sub should ever be forced - that breaks the trust the relationship has been built on.  Fear should never be a part of BDSM.  A D/s relationship is built on love, respect, trust, and understanding.

Being a submissive doesn't mean running around the house naked, saying, "Master" this and "Master" that all the time (occasionally it's just fun).  It doesn't mean that I have to sit on the floor, or keep my head lower than his.  It doesn't mean that I have to use lowercase letters when I sign my name (ladypet instead of LadyPet), or that I have to use the small "i" when referring to myself.  It doesn't mean I have to ask permission to speak, smoke, go to the bathroom, change the TV channel, make dinner, etc.  I know that some people would argue with me, they would call me a "bad" sub because I don't denegrate myself - but I am a PERSON, not a robot, not an automaton!  I think, I feel, I hurt, I have self-esteem - just like every other submissive in the world.  I am worthy of respect.  We are all worthy of respect.  My Husband does not want a robot - he wants a thinking, feeling partner that he can sit down with and hold conversation, someone to share with, not to look down upon.  You should accept nothing less for yourself.  What being a submissive means is that I accept the responsibility for his happiness, I accept that I must respect him (as he respects me), I accept that his final word is law - when he puts his foot down, the matter is ended - and I accept that he needs to be cared for.  How is this different than any other marriage?

There are little things I do naturally, having learned them in my parents' home, that I suppose are acts of submission.  When I make dinner, I fix his plate before my own.  In my family, the men are served first, that's just the way it is.  It's a sign of love and respect - we take care of our menfolk.  I get up first in the morning, then wake him up to go to work.  He never gets up alone - waking him is a responsibility I took upon myself the morning after we were married.  I make sure that he has clean clothes, his favorite foods and drinks, and control of the remote.  These are things we do because we love our partners.  My Husband expects me to behave as a woman, and I, in turn, expect him to be a man.  He is the Head of the House.  I depend on him to protect me, to care for me, and to love me.  If there is something I need, he sees to it.  It is a give and take, just like any other relationship (of course, unlike most women, I'm upset if my Husband comes home from work too tired to beat me).  Admittedly, there have been some rough spots trying to find a happy balance between "sub" and "Wife."  I won't go into them here, but if you want to know how it's working, check

Wife vs sub

And so we come to the third part of BDSM, Sadism/masochism (S/m).  Yes, this is the giving and receiving of pain.  You may ask what pain has to do with a loving relationship, and I can tell you to ask your mother.  Didn't she always say, "I only do this because I love you," before paddling your butt?  Wasn't it oddly comforting to know that you had boundaries, and that something would indeed happen if you crossed them?  Alright, so maybe this part belongs in "B/d" instead of S/m, but the theory is the same.  "We always hurt the ones we love," is a favorite joke around our house.

A word of note: NEVER PLAY ANGRY.  An angry bottom is resentful, an angry Top is just dangerous.

It's not really about the pain, it's more about the intensity.  Sadism is the giving of pain to another person, and it takes a very strong (morally and emotionally) person to do it.  A Top has to know when to stop, and when to give more.  You have to be in tune with your bottom and be able to read her responses.  Is she squiriming in pleasure when your belt comes down across her ass, or is it getting too intense?  Has she reached her pain threshold, or can she take just one more lash?  She trusts you to know, she trusts you to stop, she believes in you.  She has placed herself in your hands, helpless (usually S/m involves bondage, both for the bottom's safety and the Top's.  The experience can get so intense that a sub can thrash around quite a bit, so restraint is generally a necessity) - for a time, her life belongs to you.

Something I've learned - it isn't pain that bothers me, it's discomfort.  If my wrist is bound in an uncomfortable position, I'm going to notice that much more than the clamps on my nipples or the hot wax on my tummy.  Pain is the over-stimulation of nerve endings, and it ends when the stimulators (like nipple clamps) are removed.  No matter how intense something is, I know that it will eventually end (the odd thing is that I'm usually sorry to see it go, even while I'm relieved it's over), and that helps a great deal in raising my pain threshold and endurance.  Discomfort, on the other hand, can cause lasting harm.  Back to that uncomfortable wrist - it's bound awkwardly, and Master tugs the chain on the nipple clamps.  My body jumps, and I strain the wrist because it's in an unnatural position (hence the discomfort) - this has never happened, by the way, I'm just making an example.  Discomfort is lasting, it doesn't end with the session, and it can cause problems like muscle cramps during play.

I enjoy the intensity because the pain heightens the experience, so I suppose that makes me a masochist.  Masochism is the receiving of pain from another person for the purpose of pleasure (hopefully yours and theirs).  I am a large-busted woman, and like most large-busted women I know, my nipples aren't terribly sensitive.  I can feel it when my Master bites them, or pinches them between his fingers, or uses nipple clamps on me.  The feeling is intense, as if they're hard-wired to...other parts of my anatomy.  I am suddenly aware of every place he touches me, my nerves race with a cold-fire, and my whole body is alive.  I wanted more of that intensity, that awareness.  The feel of his hands caressing my body, then gently slapping my skin, the strokes growing harder, working me to a crescendo...and more, a strap, a belt, a paddle, a whip in his knowing hands...losing myself in the sensation, not thinking, only feeling - feeling. (Your Hands, a poem I wrote for my beloved)  Yes, he hurts me because I want him to, because I enjoy it.  Go ahead, analyze me.  Tell me that I need to be hurt because I feel that I am a "bad person" or that I deserve it.  Tell me anything you want, and I will answer you - for us, it is an act of love.  It is a sharing, an expression of sacred trust.

Safewords.  These are very important for a couple beginning a new BDSM relationship.  A safeword is a word between the two of you, any word at all as long as you both know it, that means, "Stop the scene, there's a problem!"  Only use the safeword if there truly IS a problem, or you break the trust.  Many couples use the classic, "Yellow" and "Red" as safewords ("Yellow" meaning "I'm getting close to my limit" and "Red" meaning "STOP NOW").  If you're the Top and you hear a safeword, stop immediately and find out what's wrong.  If your bottom is gagged, be sure she has a safetoy - something to hold onto that can be used to signal you either by dropping it or using it to make a noise.  Remember, someone in that much discomfort isn't going to be able to think coherently, so make it uncomplicated.  When we used safetoys, I always had something to drop.

Personally, I have never had to use the safeword or safetoy.  I never had a need to.  My Husband/Master is very in-tune to my responses.  In fact, we have eliminated safewords and safetoys from our sessions (this is NOT something I reccomend to anyone else, it works in our relationship, it might not work in yours).  However, he asks me often during our play, especially when I'm gagged, "Problems, Pet?"  Our play can be very intense, usually with me blindfolded and wondering what will come next.  I am helpless, completely vulnerable to him.  It is incredibly rewarding to be able to give myself into his hands, to express that absolute trust.  Our play sessions begin and end when he is ready for them to.  I give the control to him.

Sometimes there aren't words strong enough to express how we feel about another person - sometimes only actions can express it.  That is the heart of our relationship, "I love you, I trust you, here is the proof - take my body, use it as you will, I trust you to do me no harm, I will prove that I will endure anything for love of you, I will prove that I trust you with my life."

Playing the submissive role carries with it a great deal of power.  If subby doesn't want it, Dom doesn't do it.  If Dom does it anyway, subby can take her toys and go play with someone else.  Subby can be pouty, Dom is expected to be firm.  Subby can starch the underwear (of course, she might get spanked for it when he finds out).  Subby can have a bad day and not want to play (conversely, Dom can have a bad day and not want to play, either) and that should be respected - sometimes you're just not in the mood.  That's part of being human.  I tease my Husband, "If subby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  Doms have to keep us finicky subs happy, or they're not going to have playmates.  No matter what is going on in a scene, the sub has the power to stop it (safeword).  Always remember, we subs do things out of love, not fear or force.