Alone Again, Naturally
Jim Ellison looked up as the door opened and his roommate walked inside. He couldn't help the
smile which lit up his face, there was just something about Blair Sandburg which made him happier than he'd ever been before in his life. Sandburg caught his eye and an answering smile blossomed on his own features. For several seconds neither man moved, Jim felt a sigh of contentment almost escape his lips and reigned it in at the last moment. Sandburg had no idea of his effect on his larger partner and Jim had no intention of filling him in right this moment.
"Hey, Chief. How'd it go today?" Ellison folded the paper he'd been reading and devoted his
full attention to his partner. Blair had been working hard on some project at the university for over a week. Jim, reluctant to voice his concerns out loud, had adopted his usual indifferent attitude. He knew Blair didn't like to be worried over, and he sure as hell wouldn't want to know that his friend and partner longed for his company with a depth Jim never would have thought possible. Besides it was only for five days and he and Blair had made plans on Monday to have dinner at The Steak Shack and then hit a movie. Date night, Jim secretly allowed his mind to categorize it, knowing he'd never say it aloud.
Jim had never felt for anyone the way he felt about Sandburg. Blair had touched him inside,
breaking through the shell he'd long since resigned himself to and setting free emotions once frozen by pain. Only Blair understood the difficulty he had with his senses, his confusion and fear but it went deeper. Blair also seemed to understand his need for a friend who would always be there for him, the loneliness which lay just beneath the surface. If only he hadn't allowed himself to fall in love with Sandburg. But he had. Blair didn't notice, for all his expounding on getting in touch with feelings he was blithely unaware of the effect he had on his partner.
"It went great!" Blair almost shouted. He threw himself down on the couch across from where
Jim sat and grinned over at the other man. "I can't believe I'm done. I didn't think it would ever end." He brushed back his hair and shook his head, "I didn't say thanks, did I?"
"Thanks?" Jim frowned. "Thanks for what, Chief?"
"Jim. Thanks for everything," Blair said. He moved over to sit on the same couch as Ellison,
one hand falling onto Jim's knee as he stared intently into his eyes. "Thanks for bringing me the papers I forgot on Tuesday. Thanks for calling Professor Jacobs when I couldn't. Thanks for explaining to Simon how much this meant to me. Thanks for...for being here for me." The look in his eyes was Jim's undoing. He wanted to crush Sandburg to his chest and whisper his own thanks against the silk of his hair. He wanted to thank his partner for saving his soul and his sanity, for letting him feel like a normal man again. Instead he did the accepted and reached out to squeeze Blair's shoulder in brotherly affection.
"You're welcome," he said solemnly. It felt good to be there beside his partner, to just have
some of Blair's attention after a week on his own. It had been lonely with Blair occupied at the campus. He'd wake in the morning to the sound of an empty loft and come in at night and go to bed, barely waking when Sandburg made his way home to sleep for a few hours. He'd grown use to having Blair there with him; chattering in his excited way, using the hot water, cooking his breakfast and making sure he ate it. Sharing his life with Blair had been everything he'd ever hoped his marriage to Carolyn would be and never had been. He had a companion, a friend and confidant, he had someone who would share the simple pleasures of life with him. He didn't want to think about what his life would be like if Blair ever left him.
"So, Jim," Blair used his most winning smile on Ellison, "you got any plans for tonight?"
Jim blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected Sandburg to forget their "date" but obviously he
had. Of course, he'd had a lot to deal with at Rainier and probably hadn't spent every waking moment looking forward to the simple pleasure of talking to his best friend, of teasing his roommate about a million inconsequential things, of just basking in the glow of their friendship, not like Jim had. "Nothing set in concrete, Chief. Why?"
"Well," Sandburg blushed, "it's just that Nikki, this really great woman in Accounting asked me
out. She only has tonight free and my car...well, it's dead, Jim. So," he turned pleading eyes up at Jim, "could you run me over to her place? I'll stay there tonight, give you a little peace and quiet."
Jim could feel his heart stop with those words. His mind slowed from lack of blood and oxygen
the only thought able to float above the sludge was the old clich‚ Hope springs eternal. And so do fools. He should have known Blair would be eager for a little fun and adventure after his horrendous week but he'd allowed his hopes to overshadow his knowledge of his partner. Jim swallowed his disappointment, forcing a smile and even a faint laugh, "that's my partner. Sure, Blair, whatever you want." He watched Sandburg bound to his feet, heading towards his room to change.
"Thanks, Jim," Blair called over his shoulder, "you're a real friend." Jim nodded and sighed.
Yeah, he was a friend and that's how Blair saw him. Only friends, someone to run him from place to place. It hurt. It hurt more than having his senses kick in when he wasn't prepared, at least then Blair would help him deal with it. He sat there, following his partner's preparations for his date with resignation. He longed to march into that room and tell his partner exactly how much he cared for him, but Jim knew he'd never do that. He loved Blair but he was smart enough to know he didn't have a chance with him. Blair was working his way through the female population of Cascade, he wouldn't be interested in a middle aged cop - especially a male one.
"How do I look?" Suddenly the Blair of every fantasy he'd even had stood before him. Tight
blue jeans, ripped at the knees, sheathed his lean hips and hugged his legs, a gray t-shirt peeked out from beneath a vintage short sleeved shirt of forest green. His hair, that halo of curls Jim strove to caress at the slightest opportunity, fell around his shoulders. Jim's fingers actually itched just looking at it, he curled his hand into a fist and bit back the groan of frustration which rose in his throat. He loved Blair like that, his hair a billowy cloud, his eyes sparkling, and many nights in his dreams he had stripped the beautiful creature down to bare skin and loved him to within an inch of his life.
"Great, Chief," Jim said, "you look great." He rose and grabbed his keys from the table by the
door. "Get your coat, Sandburg, it'll be cool in the morning." He smiled as Blair, for once, did as he was told and followed him down to the Ford. It wasn't a long drive, just over a mile but Jim relished the chance to be with his friend. Blair droned on about Nikki but Jim tuned it out. He let his partner's words flow over him and thanked whatever powers watched out for cops that he had what he did. Blair like him and trusted him, that was enough.
"Right here, man," Blair finally said. He wrenched open the door, grabbed up his coat and
hopped out. "Thanks again, Jim. I owe you."
Ellison nodded but inside he knew Blair owned him nothing. The debt was on his side and he had
no right to expect more. He sat there until Blair disappeared into the building, tracking his partner right up until the time Nikki's door opened and the sound of lips brushing together in greeting battered his ears. Ellison pulled away from the curb and headed back towards the darkened loft - alone again.