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Better to Have Loved
by Rebecca Mitchell (armgb@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG-13
Archive: M_A, OKEB, anyone else please ask
Categories: romance, angst, first-time
Summary: Shortly before ANH, Obi-Wan reflects on his life and remembers his relationship with Qui-Gon.
SPOILERS for TPM and ANH.
Feedback: Yes, please with virtual chocolate covered Jedis.
DISCLAIMER: Star Wars is owned by George Lucas and LucasFilm. This story is for fan enjoyment only and is not intended to infringe on that copyright.
Obi-Wan woke from his dream trying to slow his rapid heartbeat. For a moment he was disoriented and did not know where he was. Then he remembered and a pain shot through him as it did every time when he remembered where he was and all that had happened. He was an "old crazy hermit" on Tatooine. He reached out with the Force for a moment drawing comfort in the presence of the boy he still sought to protect. Soon he would reveal himself to the last of the Jedi. He did not have a lot of time. The Empire was growing stronger every day.
With each day he became increasingly convinced that the boy needed to be trained. Anakin's son must somehow right the wrong committed by Anakin. Luke must somehow fix the mistakes of the Jedi and rebuild the Order before all of them were lost. Obi-Wan had no idea how it would be done.He only knew that it must be done.
In his dream Obi-Wan had been a young man still under Master Qui-Gon. He remembered how hard to he had worked to convince Qui-Gon to take him as a Padawan. Had it been worth it? Had all the pain of the last 30 years been worth the honor of being a Jedi Knight? He had thought that he could be nothing else, but sometimes he wondered how much a man could be expected to take. He had seen so much death and destruction. He had watched his whole existence destroyed and replaced by a reign of terror that engulfed the entire galaxy. Had the universe of his youth been only a dream? Balance had been temporarily brought to the Force and then it had shifted in favor of the Sith and the Dark Side of the Force. Now he understood. He understood too much.
Some nights he relived the horrors in his dreams. He saw Anakin become Darth Vader a million times. He saw Queen Amidala die again and again as Leia cried for her mother. He saw Palpatine rise to power, destroying all who crossed him. The nightmares were his life. If he had been told the price of living would he be able to wake up each day?
Other nights he had good dreams. He dreamed of his Master and of their time together, first as Padawan and Master and then as lovers. Those dreams were the most painful because he awoke in bed alone remembering his Master's death. Qui-Gon had been wrong. Obi-Wan had not been ready to be a Knight and definitely not ready to be a Master. He had still needed Qui-Gon and Qui-Gon had abandoned him to a galaxy gone mad.
Anger had always been Obi-Wan's weakness. He could not stop himself from being mad at his Master for leaving him. Intellectually, he accepted death and knew that his Master was one with the Force. As Master Windu and the rest of the slaughtered Jedi were one with the Force. Emotionally, he still felt the impatience and anger of his youth cry out at the injustice of it all and of his Master's selfishness in leaving behind a young man who needed him.
Tears came to the old man's eyes
. "Master, I miss you," Obi-Wan whispered. It had been years since his Master had appeared to him.
Painfully, he allowed memories to wash over him.
#He remembered the first time he had met Qui-Gon.#
#He remembered Qui-Gon looking at him intently during one of his training exercises and his own excitement at the look.#
#He remembered their first night together...
"Obi-Wan, we need to talk," Qui-Gon had told him.
Only his Jedi training gave Obi-Wan the strength to look at his Master. He had experienced inappropriate dreams about Qui-Gon during his nap.
"Obi-Wan, I- I sensed your dreams," Qui-Gon began. "I tried to respect your privacy, but you were broadcasting strongly. It is probably due to your recent illness."
"I am sorry Master," Obi-Wan blushed. He was horribly embarrassed, but even more scared that his Master would try to distance himself from Obi-Wan. Masters could not abandon their Padawans without extreme cause or strong evidence that their Padawan had turned to the Dark Side, but Qui-Gon could limit their relationship to teaching only.
"You do not need to apologize," Qui-Gon told him. "There is no need. You are a healthy young man. It is not uncommon for a Padawan to have feelings of his Master. I am more concerned about your shame and secrecy. I have sensed your withdrawal from me and it has concerned me. It can be a sign of trouble when a Padawan withdraws from his Master."
Obi-Wan looked guilty, understanding what his Master was not saying. His Master had been badly hurt by Xanatos' betrayal and turn to the Dark Side. He had been worried that the same thing was happening with Obi-Wan. "I did not mean to concern you. Since my feelings are inappropriate, I did not want to trouble you with them."
"And what are your feelings for me?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Don't you know?" Obi-Wan asked.
"I sensed your dream, but it was only physical. I need to know your feelings, not your physical wants to know how best to precede. Will you lower your shields for me?" Qui-Gon was calm except for the conflict behind his eyes.
Obi-Wan nodded, unable to speak. He forced himself to lower his shields and allow his Master to sense his feelings.
Qui-Gon drew in his breath. He was shocked by the intensity of the emotions. Obi-Wan was not simply a frustrated young man looking for release. Instead he was utterly in love with Qui-Gon, not infatuation, but a love that was as much friendship as physical.
Qui-Gon was so startled that his own shields momentarily dropped allowing Obi-Wan a fleeting view of his own emotions for his Padawan. Realizing his vulnerability he withdrew and Obi-Wan raised his shields.
"I had no idea," Qui-Gon whispered.
"That I love you? Did you think that I was just a horny young man who wanted sex?" Obi-Wan sounded disgusted. "Do you have such a low opinion of me and my control. You are my Master. Do you think that I would risk all of that for sex?"
"I fear you have surprised me again. I did not believe that you would act on your desires. I know that you care about me as your Master and that you desire me physically. I did not realize how deep your feelings ran. You must forgive an old man who sometimes underestimates his Padawan and his maturity," Qui-Gon apologized.
"You are not old. And I am not a child. You know that. I sensed your own emotions through the bond," Obi-Wan told him.
"I should not have been careless?" Qui-Gon said.
"Why?" Obi-Wan asked. "Why are you fighting this?"
Before Qui-Gon could answer, Obi-Wan leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Then, shocked at his own behavior, he backed away, "I am sorry, Master. That was inappropriate."
"It was, but it was also honest. The path you are suggesting is not easy and I do not wish to risk your training. You are very important to me, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said. "I do not doubt your feelings, but passion is dangerous."
"I know the Code," Obi-Wan said. He did not point out that Qui-Gon did not always follow it.
"We must take this slowly," Qui-Gon said and reached out to brush his hand against his Padawan's cheek. "So precious..."
Obi-Wan smiled slightly and waited silently allowing Qui-Gon to take the lead.
Qui-Gon, understanding, brought his lip's to Obi-Wan's. The first kiss was tentative and awkward. Qui-Gon drew away and tried again. The second kiss was eager and excited both men.
Obi-Wan broke the kiss and began kissing his Master's neck. Qui-Gon moaned. Their shields were cracking and the pleasure of each man was intensified by the pleasure of the other. thought was already becoming difficult.
"How far do you want to take this?" Qui-Gon asked.
"All the way," Obi-Wan answered huskily.
"Then we should move to the bed," Qui-Gon said.
They did not go as far as Obi-Wan wanted. The passion built too quickly and was too dangerous. Instead they pleasured each other and decided to save a full joining until another time.#
#The next night they joined completely, both physically and mentally. They did not lifebond, but they did deepen their bond. The deepening not only brought extra pleasure, but helped in Obi-Wan's training. They could sense each other during practice and battle. Qui-Gon credited Obi-Wan's rapid improvement in his training to the deepened bond.#
#Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan requested permission to form a lifebond, but it was delayed until Obi-Wan became a Jedi Knight. The Council did allow them to continue to deepen their bond and to continue their relationship.#
#During the three years of their relationship, the two took as many opportunities as possible to experience the physical aspects of their relationship. Obi-Wan wondered if Qui-Gon suspected that his time was short. Even more often, however, the two enjoyed the emotional intimacy of their love and deepened bond. They were one soul in two bodies. Even in the pleasure of sex, they never allowed themselves to forget the deeper and purer elements of their love nor did they disregard the friendship upon which their feelings were originally based.#
Obi-Wan dreamed their intimacy. He felt Qui-Gon's hands over his body. He felt Qui-Gon's kisses. Most of all he saw the love in his Master's eyes. He saw the best thing in his life and rejoiced in the memories that even the Empire had not been able to take from him.
Then Obi-Wan's dream changed. The dream began as it had many times before as he remembered their first night together. Except this time the dream was different. This time Obi-Wan had been too afraid to admit his feelings for the older man. Instead he made excuses and left to sleep in his own bed, alone. The days passed and they remained Master and Padawan, but did not become lovers. Obi-Wan continued to long for his Master knowing that his Master must be able to sense his thoughts, but chose not to say anything.
Obi-Wan's breath came out in short gasps as he tried to prevent the nightmare of watching his Master die. It happened as it had in real life, but this time Qui-Gon did not reach up to brush away Obi-Wan's tears. The caring and love that showed in his Master's eyes was dimmed, only feelings of a teacher for a talented student showed in his Master's eyes.
Obi-Wan cried out in his sleep, the pain more intense than ever before. He managed to break free of the dream, but did not fully wake up. He knew that it would have been worse to have never loved and lost than the loss of losing his love. He still had his memories and he reached for them automatically, trying to find comfort in the knowledge that his Master had loved him and of the short time they had together. A short time together was better than always having been alone.
'Soon. Soon, I will see him. I will yell at him for abandoning me before I was ready and for them pain he caused me. Then I will throw myself in his arms and be comforted.' Obi-Wan thought sleepily, not bothering to open his eyes.
Standing next to Obi-Wan's bed, Qui-Gon watched his former Padawan sleep. Obi-Wan was no longer the young man Qui-Gon had known in life, but Qui-Gon still thought him handsome. He reached out with the Force, helping pull Obi-Wan from his nightmare and sending waves of love and strength through the Force.
"You do know that I still love you Obi-Wan and will wait for the day when you join me and we can once again be together. I sense that the day is coming soon. I wish... I wish I could wash away your pain. I love you," Qui-Gon, unable to resist, learned forward and brushed a kiss across Obi-Wan's lips.
In his sleep, Obi-Wan smiled, thinking about Qui-Gon. It was better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. As Jedi their love was never truly lost. He only needed to be patient and until then he would continue to see his Master in his dreams.
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