Swinging, From A Woman’s Point of View
As humans, we have evolved into a species that deny natural urges, for one reason or another. Be it religion, personal fear, or simple brainwashing from generations before. I would like to offer my own thoughts in the ‘art of swinging’, from a woman’s point of view. A view I never thought possible until I let go of the limiting thoughts I had from being raised in a Christian society. A view inspired by the Devil himself! (My husband of course!)
The concept of swinging is not easily grasped, and understandably so. It is difficult to imagine your spouse in the ‘pleasuring company’ of another. The thought drives some people crazy! It is something that both have to agree to, be ready for, and by all means let go of the ‘ownership’ of the other. In my experience with chatting with other swingers, I have found we all have the same views. Love is love, and sex is sex. The two do not necessarily go hand in hand. In reality, they are two distinct, separate feelings.
Problems arise when both are viewed as the same thing. Many people believe that if one wants sex with someone other than their spouse, love is lacking within the relationship. This is truly not so. Sex is an automated response to an attractive other. It is built in naturally for finding the perfect ‘baby making’ partner. Love is an emotion that binds two people together. It offers the strength required to maintain a relationship.
A committed partnership is based on both being present, for obvious reasons. However, what also arises is the thought of ownership, acquiring the ‘rights’ to the other, when the partnership begins. Of course, when a relationship is new, there is no one else. It is a wonderful experience. You do have that ‘belonging to each other’ feeling. Unfortunately, this does not last. Over time, you get used to each other. The ‘newness’ fades. Now, you begin to look at each other in a different light. The ‘light’ that turned on for us was “I’m supposed to have sex with only you for the rest of my life?”. We thought otherwise.
I’m not saying it was an easy decision for me. It was something I ‘knew about’, but never really thought of. What it came down to, eventually, was that it would be the ultimate test of our relationship. I agreed to try it, and would find out the true ‘base’ of our relationship. I was ready for anything. Would we still be together the next day? Would we respect each other? Would we regret anything? To keep it short, we have never loved each other more.
As I sit and think about the experiences we’ve had, seeing my husband please another woman, be pleased by another woman, and also myself, the same, with another (man or woman), all I can really do is smile. There is absolutely no jealousy within our relationship. No questioning of love, honesty, or faithfulness. No wondering of where my husband may be, or who he may be with. There is no room for that in a relationship. And in one such as ours, there never will be.
I do get questioned a lot about our chosen ‘lifestyle’, or should I say ‘told’. The main issue that arises in those conversations is that we are cheating on each other. In most cases I just laugh and tell them “No, we aren’t, but you can’t understand that”, and hope that is the end of it. But I will explain briefly here, though I can’t see how someone could not understand it.
When someone cheats on another, there is one simple factor that does not apply to what we do. The most obvious one. If we were cheating on each other, we wouldn’t know about it! Our ‘chosen partners’ are ones we decide on together, and enjoy together. They are there to enhance our own sexual relationship with each other, not as an escape from that.
Another big issue being one of love. How can we love each other if we find sexual pleasure with others? The only answer I have to that is we are very much in love. How much more can I explain that?
As above, there is no jealousy, dishonesty, or unfaithfulness in our relationship. We have more trust in each other than a lot of people in ‘monogamous’ relationships do. When one questions our sexual lifestyle, they are, in reality, questioning their own relationship. They cannot trust their partner, or themselves.
If you ask me, of course I would say everyone should try it! But I do not ignore the fact that there are very many happy couples in monogamous relationships. It is a decision that is made by both people in a relationship, as it should be. What matters in any relationship is the trust, honesty, and faithfulness, regardless of sexual preference. I will end by saying that most couples involved in this lifestyle make the decision later in life, so there is hope for all yet!!! ;)
Spectre
September 1999
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